It's been a long time since I wrote.... Time really does slip by fast.  Something many people tell you, but you truly don't understand until you have children.


I wanted to write more about sleep this time, but, I read an article this weekend about post partum depression that made me think.  It was about Gwenyth Paltrow and her struggle with depression after the birth of her son.  The one part that struck me was her comment, "We think that it makes us bad mothers or we didn't do it right, but it's like, we're all in this together. I never understand why mothers judge other mothers.  It's like, 'Can't we all just be on each other's side?'"


Why is it that mothers compare?  We compare children with other children.  We compare our pregnancy symptoms with others.  


     "I had nausea for my first trimester"  


     "Well, I had it for all of my trimesters!"  


     "Congratulations your the throw-up winner!  Let's show her what she's won!  A lifetime supply of saltines and flat ginger ale!"


Really?  Let's face it, this is a competition with absolutely no winner.




"What is with the competition between babies?  I thought it was going to be great that several of my friends have babies around the same age, but there is some bitterness out there.  Who has the bigger kid?  Who rolled over first?, Who eats better?,  Who sleeps better?  Which Mom has it worst?, etc.   It really pisses me off!  I say, who cares?  We all have healthy kids, isn't that enough?  These moms make me feel so inadequate that it has really impacted our friendship."  --Cheryl, mom of one.


Is motherhood really about competition?  Why can't us moms just complain and brag to each other and be good listeners?  Having babies and raising children is hard, why do we make it harder?  So, next time you are sitting with your girlfriends and one of them says their 3 month old is sleeping through the night, just smile and say "that's great!"  Be their cheerleader and they will be yours.  Another thing I'm glad I am learning, but wish someone had told me sooner!

Beauty Sleep

I wish someone would have told me the importance of sleep in kids.  Not just important, critical.  And really, one of your first parenting moments... teaching your kids how to sleep.

I remember going to a friends house for dinner one night with my husband before kids. Our friends went upstairs to put their kids to bed and were down in 10 minutes and we never heard another peep - that was it.  We left that house saying, "that's how it is done."  To say they made it look easy is an understatement.  What I know now is the YEARS of work that it takes to make it look that easy.

Fast forward a few years and we are bringing home twin girls.  I "knew" that babies sleep when and where they want, and at first, they do.   So the first few weeks are golden... the baby will sleep in church, at the grocery store, in the swing while you are cooking dinner, anywhere!  But just when you start wondering how anyone could screw this up, it all changes.  The baby realizes that there are reasons to be awake but you as the parent continue to think that they will sleep on command.  It took awhile, and some tired babies, to realize this change had occurred.   I'd always heard that babies get "overtired" and that didn't seem like such a bad thing - they'll be that much easier to get to sleep, right?  Ah, but there is the big secret.  Overtired babies apparently lose ability to fall asleep easily.  The next thing you know, it's midnight, the baby is still awake and hasn't slept more than 2 hours that day.  That's about the time you want to pull your hair out!

There are many times that I missed the "sleep window", the small time frame during which a baby/kid will quickly and quietly fall asleep on their own.  It is a tricky thing to figure out, especially since once you think you've got it and are so proud of yourself, they change the rules; they learn to climb out of the crib, or decide the crib rail is a chew toy, or learn take their socks off or scream your name.  I am not ashamed to admit I have taken my share of aimless drives with a baby in the car seat until they finally fall asleep.  And God forbid you stop the car!  I have discovered entire new neighborhoods, know all the short cuts and speed traps because of these rides.  I cannot begin to think about the gas money I spent or the grey hairs I have gotten.

Having seen it both ways, my husband and I wanted our kids to be able to put themselves to sleep.  One of  our first big parenting moments.  We decided on the cry it out method, which is just about as fun as it sound, especially with twins.  There were nights I sat on the stairs crying along with my daughters.  And there were nights I said, "I can't do this anymore" but did anyway.  With my third there were very few cry it out nights.  That's probably as much a reflection of her personality as our parenting skills, but it still makes me feel good, and I think we get a little credit.   All of my girls are great sleepers now.  They sleep in their own beds and the bedtime process takes 10-15 minutes, usually with very little drama (usually).

Next up... Sleep tricks I wish I would have known....

Love that grows and grows

"I never knew that a mothers love for her children grows and grows each day, each year etc. and I never knew that it would be so hard to see them grow up.". - Carrie, mom of 2

When I brought my twins home, I was a robot. Feed the babies, get them to sleep, tried to find time for me to sleep, repeat. Day after day. It's hard to say it, but didn't feel that bond, that magic, at first.  I loved them, of course, but maybe I was so busy just trying to keep our heads above water that I wasn't making that connection that "everyone" says they feel.  It did come, at about month three.  There was no grand event, no special occasion; the twins and I were just on the floor and as I was looking at their little faces, something happened.  A wave of awe and amazement, an overwhelming love that I finally recognized was constantly and eternally growing.  I called my girlfriend and sheepishly told her I had something to admit, that I had finally felt the bond to my girls that I had unknowingly been missing. Thankfully, she told me it did not happen right away for her either... something I wish I would have known earlier instead of carrying the guilt that comes with feeling like the only mom in the world missing the baby-bonding-gene.

That was just the beginning.  A wise woman, Carolyn, would always say "I love you more" after my "I love you."  My reply was always, "no you don't."  And then she would smile knowingly and to tell me to wait until I had kids of my own.  She knew then what I've finally learned - a parent's love constantly, infinitely, grows

"Yes, they grow up fast. Do not push it...hang on to it...enjoy it...let it flow over you...and smile as you see them sleeping...so innocent...so precious...rock them a little longer than you need to." - Jeanne, mom of 2

People always say 'it goes by fast, enjoy it'.  I wish I would have known how right they are from the get go. My twins are four and my "baby" will be two next month - where did the time go?  As I've realized how fast it goes,  I do try to hang on tighter, to rock a little longer.  I skip the night out and truly relish just being with them (admittedly, some times more than others).  I love staying home, playing with them and acting like a kid again.  I love watching them.  I love seeing them interact, hearing their laughs and their voices.  I love that they think I can sing and have the best dance moves.  That will not last forever, I know.

And my love for them grows and grows each day. And yes, it goes by fast, and I am going to try to enjoy every single moment.

Giving up?

I love to be organized.  I love schedules and I love everything to be in it's spot. No one told me how hard it would be for those impulses to coexist with a baby.
For example, the baby does not care that the laundry pile is hip deep, or that you are only half way through the dishes - from yesterday.  The baby does not know, or care, that it's 5:30 pm. and you haven't eaten all day, or showered.  All that the baby knows is eating and if you're lucky, sleeping.
       
'I am hungry now and I cannot wait!  Go ahead, just try to wash that last dish.  There's plenty more          scream where that came from.' 

Believe it or not, babies don't have a snooze button - I've checked.

"Everything takes twice as long to do when you have a child.  The beds do not need to be made, and you do not have to be dressed before noon."  - Jeanne

"There are no more leisurely Sunday mornings reading the paper and enjoying your cup of coffee." - Dave - Dad of 3

"No one ever told me how hard it would be to give up things.  I don't even mean material things, I mean making sure the laundry is completed, getting the house dusted and the floors swept and vacuumed.  This still plagues me." - Cheryl, mom of 1

In the beginning, you may be able to convince yourself that you're ok with the laundry piling up and the dishes collecting in the sink, but after 6 weeks of letting things go, even the most laid back part of you may want to revolt.  And if you are me, you may asked to be committed.  I wish someone told me it's more than ok to ask for help.  How many times do we hear "let me know if you need something".  Yes, I need something- run the vacuum, throw a load of laundry in, wash the floors or cook a meal.  A visit is nice, but I'll take some help with something other than oohing and aahing at the baby.
To give up some control, some organization is OK.  I also learned, just in time, to ask for help from friends, family and my husband.  It would have been a lot easier if I knew that ahead of time.

And vacations.... they will never be the same.  That's another story.

Bodily fluids...

This was not what I planned to write about this week but my youngest did something that changed my mind.
My "baby" will be two next month and so we are trying to get her interested in the potty. The other evening she was acting like she needed to poop. I said, "Let's go sit on the potty" and offered my usual bribe of 2 m&m's if she went.  So she sat on her potty and made her faces and then stood up and said, "m&m's". I did a quick check and reminded her that she needed to "go" to get her reward. That is when she proceeded to pick up the little pellet of poop in her cute, stubby fingers to show it to me. I reacted like anyone would - I screamed, she cried, dropped it and jumped into my arms.  I recovered and back tracked right away praising her for using the potty and hoping I didn't scar her for life.  All the time I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that .... MY DAUGHTER JUST PICKED UP POOP!
That is the life a parent... Teaching your children all the little things, like not to pick up poop, or eat it (that's another story), not pick your nose, or eat that, not to eat things off the floor, and not to put things in the "out" holes.

Why didn't anyone tell me about the bodily fluids?

"I wish I would have known that little baby boys get erections!". - Jennifer, mom of 3 boys (God bless you!)

"The night we brought our baby girl home from the hospital, she had a small amount of mucousy blood from her vagina. It was to late to call anyone, so we had to wait until the next morning to find out it is normal. We were told baby girls have something that mimics a period." That would have been nice to know!- Jen, mom of 2

The Joy Of Breastfeeding?

I wish someone told me how difficult breastfeeding is and that it can be uncomfortable and overwhelming.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breast feed.  I wanted to be able to give that "gift" to my baby.  I imagined myself sitting on the bench in the park breast feeding, making it look easy.  No one informed me that one of the first things you worry about when breast feeding is, "how do you know if the baby is getting enough?"  I was told to go to the store and get a kitchen scale.  A scale to weigh a dry diaper on and then a wet one to make sure the babies were taking enough.  OK, that seemed easy enough.
Then you add in the logistics of it... how to position the baby is just the beginning.  Once you get that, you need to get the baby to attach to your breast, which is another feat in itself.  And no matter how many times you hear, "if the baby is on right, it won't hurt" they are lying... it hurts, it's weird, but thankfully, you do get used to it.

"Breast feeding is unnatural. It can tear you to shreds."--Jen, mom of 2

The next hurdle is to decide when the baby is done, sometimes they fall asleep at the breast - does that mean they are done?  or does it mean they are just tired?  The question looms, did the baby get enough?
The next dilemma is which breast do you put the baby on?  Do you empty one breast then do the other side?  Do you go halfsies on each breast?  Is there a right answer?  Thankfully, my first baby was babies,  so not much of a dilemma for me.  I did one on each breast and rotated with each feed.  I even got to wear a hair tie around the bra strap that Baby A was going to feed on next.

More fun.... leaking!  You leak breast milk all the time; you leak if you sleep on your belly (and after 9 months of not being able to sleep on your belly, you want to sleep on your belly).  You leak when you see your baby, you leak when you hear them cry and you leak when you are weaning.  To help with this there are circle maxi pads you get to put in your bra!  Why didn't anyone tell me this?

And, if you aren't overwhelmed already, you get to deal with chaffed nipples and if you are truly lucky, mastitis!  And the best medicine for mastitis is nursing your baby!

"I wish someone told me that nursing a monster boobie baby would make my cracked, bleeding nipples hurt more than my C-section."--Jenna, mom of 2

Honestly, I was proud of myself for sticking with breast feeding.

"Don't give up breastfeeding easily."--Holly, mom of 3

"Breastfeeding is amazing, but it's not easier [than bottle feeding]!  Every single mother who had breast fed told me how easy it would be and easier than bottle feeding.  They lied.  It is worth the work, but not easier."--Cheryl, mom of 1

"Breast feeding is not always the best, and no one should pressure a mother into doing it."--Carrie, mom of 2

I am glad I did it, but it was far from the vision of the mom calmly sitting on the bench in the park, making it all look easy.

The Beginning

My original thought was to write a book... I would still like to write a book, but with 3 kids 4 and under, I am not sure the book will get done for years and years.  I am not sure I am a great writer either, I think I have good ideas though!

This all started after one of my girlfriends had her first baby.  I believe it was day 3, and she called me in tears and wanted to know why I did not tell here what having a baby is really like.  Not the actual giving birth, but, the stuff and feelings that come after.  Believe it or not, what they show on TV and movies is not real.  You don't walk out of the hospital on air, sleep through the night, and have as active a social life as you previously did.

So, why don't we talk about what it's really like?  Why don't we share our real feelings?

Having kids is hard work and a lot of weird and unexpected things occur.  Having kids is awesome too, but there are a few things I wish I knew before having them!

So, I have decided to devout some time telling about your "I wish I would have known's" and you will read some of mine.

Next up... The Joy of Breastfeeding?